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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30004065">Dead Name</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salty_Yams/pseuds/Salty_Yams'>Salty_Yams</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Kuroo Tetsurou, Bisexual Male Character, Dysphoria, FTM Yaku Morisuke, First Year Kuroo Tetsurou, Gender Dysphoria, LGBTQ Themes, Light Angst, M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans Yaku Morisuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:14:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,571</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30004065</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salty_Yams/pseuds/Salty_Yams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“My name is Yaku Morisuke. And one day, I’m going to be on Japan’s national volleyball team, competing in the men’s division. Everyone in the nation will know my name, and when I get there, I’m going to tell the story about how you denied me of my high school debut.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kai Nobuyuki &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou &amp; Yaku Morisuke, Kai Nobuyuki &amp; Yaku Morisuke, Kuroo Tetsurou &amp; Yaku Morisuke, Kuroo Tetsurou/Yaku Morisuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dead Name</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This contains descriptions of gender dysphoria, which could be upsetting or triggering to some audiences. Proceed with caution.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was my first time playing in the boy’s division for volleyball. I was a first year in high school. I remember walking in thinking <em> “This. This feels right. This is where I belong.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Nekomata patted my shoulder, “You excited, boy?”</p><p> </p><p>I smiled and nodded my head.</p><p> </p><p>We went over to the dressing room and got ready for the warm up. After stretching, I practiced receiving with Nobuyuki.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll dig up any balls you miss,” Kuroo told me before throwing a serve.</p><p> </p><p>I scrunched up my nose and narrowed my eyes, “As if.”</p><p> </p><p>The ref blew the whistle and we all lined up to be introduced. I was the last person on the starting lineup, but that didn’t bother me. I was grateful to be on the starting lineup to begin with. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>“Kuroo Tetsurō, 1st year, Middle Blocker...”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>“Nobuyuki Kai, 1st year, Wing Spiker…”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>I stretched my arms out, getting ready for the announcers to call my name.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>“And-”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>They paused, looking at the paper with all our names. I waited for them to call mine before running forward.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>“...Yaku Misaki, 1st year, Libero.”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Everyone gave me a respectful applause and I cringed a little bit at hearing my dead name. I gave the coach and our manager a high five before joining the rest of the starting lineup. </p><p> </p><p>Normally, after introducing the players, the captains would shake hands and the referee would flip the coin, but the ref got down from the stand and walked over to the announcers. He looked at the clipboard with all our names on it and called our coach and manager over. I got a little worried about what they could be talking about, but I tried to focus on the positive. </p><p> </p><p>After a few minutes, our manager looked at me and gestured for me to come over. My heart sank and I felt my face go cold. </p><p> </p><p>I jogged over, “What is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Mr. Yaku…” the announcer started, “Could you explain your first name for us?”</p><p> </p><p>“My name is Morisuke,” I said.</p><p> </p><p>The ref looked at the paper, “Well, here it says-”</p><p> </p><p>“It was a mistake. My name is Morisuke.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sure you didn’t get placed in the wrong division? The girls are competing in the next gymnasium,” he said.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m a boy,” I said.</p><p> </p><p>“Then why is your name entered as Misaki?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was a mistake. It’s supposed to say Morisuke,” I said. I didn’t want to say, <em> I’m trans. </em>I’m still a boy even if I’m trans. I’m no less of a boy than Kuroo or Nobuyuki.</p><p> </p><p>He sighed, “Ms. Yaku, does your birth certificate say Misaki?”</p><p> </p><p>I shifted uncomfortably in my clothes. Every time I heard that name, I wanted to rip my skin out.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… What seems to be the hold up here?” Kuroo has walked over and inserted himself into the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think we have to tell you this, but girls can’t compete in the boy’s division,” the referee said.</p><p> </p><p>That broke me. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and I sort of just shriveled up. <b> <em>Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division. Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division.</em> </b></p><p> </p><p>“Yaku is a boy,” Kuroo said. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>“Well, this name is telling us otherwise.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not his name. It’s Morisuke. He told you that.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>“If Misaki was put here in the boy’s division by accident, we can send her over to the girl’s. The sooner we do that, the sooner we can get this started.”</p><p> </p><p><b> <em> <span class="u">Misaki</span> </em> </b> <b> <em>.</em> </b> <b> <em> Send </em> </b> <b> <em> <span class="u">her</span> </em> </b> <b> <em> over. </em> </b> <b> <em>Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division</em> </b> <b> <em>.</em> </b></p><p> </p><p>“<b> <em>He </em> </b> is a <b> <em>boy </em> </b> competing in the <b> <em>boy’s </em> </b> division. Nothing wrong with that, is there?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em> <span class="u">Girls can’t compete in the boy’s division. </span> </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>“Misaki isn’t a boy’s name. I can also tell by the tone of her voice that she’s a girl. We can just send her over and everything will be okay. Keep her in, and I’m going to have to disqualify your school.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em> <span class="u">GIRLS CAN’T COMPETE IN THE BOY’S DIVISION!</span> </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear enough. <b> <em>Morisuke </em> </b>is a-”</p><p> </p><p>“Just, STOP!” I snapped.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone paused and looked at me.</p><p> </p><p>I sighed, “Just… Take my name out of the lineup… Put someone else in… And we can all be happy…”</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo looked at me and knit his eyebrows together, “What? No! You’re our Libero. You belong on the lineup.”</p><p> </p><p>“If my gender is something we have to debate over, then I don’t want to play. I don’t want to be the thing that gets the entire team disqualified. I’ll watch…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yaku, we need you. You need to be there to dig up the ball for us.”</p><p> </p><p>“You said you’d dig up any ball I missed. I’m going to be missing a lot today. Plus, everyone is good at receives. Nekoma is known for that. You’ll be okay without me.”</p><p> </p><p>“But-”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, Misaki. Go have a seat-”</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>“If you can’t find enough respect in your heart to use Morisuke, just call him Yaku,” </em> </b>Kuroo hissed at the referee. </p><p> </p><p>I put my track jacket back on and sat on the bench with the coach and our manager. I stuffed my knees into my jacket and lowered my neck.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, son…” Nekomata said to me.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay…”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Let's have a good game!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Are they benching their Libero? They don’t have another one.”</p><p> </p><p>“But they said her name is Misaki. She can’t play if she’s a girl. What was she thinking?”</p><p> </p><p>I tried to ignore it, but I could feel the pit in my stomach growing. Watching the game didn’t help. I wanted to just let go of what had happened and cheer my team on, but I couldn’t be happy about anything.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I should be up there… I should be playing… I’m a boy, too… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I tried not to blink cuz I knew they would start falling if I did. Whenever they did fall, I just quickly wiped them away and kept watching. I sniffed a few times, but I didn’t start weeping. I told myself I wasn’t going to do that in front of everybody. I could cry about it when I got home. I needed to support my team.</p><p> </p><p>We won the first set. Everyone who played got a towel and some water. The team surrendered the coach, so I stood up and joined them. </p><p> </p><p>“Good job, boys. Keep up the good work. Remember, you don’t have Yaku to dig up all your misses, so you have to follow through for him. Pull your own weight, and you can take the second set. Let’s finish this game 2-0.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, sir!”</p><p> </p><p>I averted my eyes and looked down.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Nobuyuki put his hand on my shoulder, “You okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Everything suddenly came rushing out after that. The tears spilled over and I couldn’t stop them. I wiped my eyes, but the tears kept coming. </p><p> </p><p>I bowed to the coach, “I have to go to the bathroom. Excuse me.”</p><p> </p><p>I turned my heel and ran out without a reply. I knew I was about to have a breakdown and I wanted to be in a bathroom stall before it happened. </p><p> </p><p>I ran into the girl’s bathroom. It had more stalls and in there I wouldn’t be judged. Cuz boys don’t cry.</p><p> </p><p>I locked myself in a stall and let out a muffled scream into my hands. I hugged my knees to my chest and just sobbed. Girls were walking in and out and I knew they could hear me, but I didn’t care about them. That day was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was supposed to be my debut in boy’s sports. I had thought about it since middle school when I found out I’m trans. I would’ve seemed like any other player to everyone in there. No one giving a second glance to me thinking I was different from everyone else. Being seen as a boy like I should be. Then they’d call my name, Yaku Morisuke, and I’d play on the same court as all the other boys. Finally playing where I belong, because I’m a boy.</p><p> </p><p>But, no. No such day exists because I’m not a boy. I’m just wearing boys clothes and saying I’m a boy but they don’t care. My birth certificate overwrites anything that I say. If it says I’m a girl, then I’m a girl. If it says my name is Misaki, then my name is Misaki. Nothing else matters to them. Because to them, I’m a girl. </p><p> </p><p>I buried my face into my knees and sobbed. It was my dream to play volleyball with the boys. And I got <b> <em>so </em> </b> close to it! I was in the starting lineup! I was chosen to play! I probably <b> <em>would’ve </em> </b> played if my birth name was unisex! But that damn name. <b> <em>Misaki. </em> </b> If anything but that damn name was on that paper, <em> I would’ve played! </em></p><p> </p><p><em> I want to play… </em> </p><p> </p><p>I heard some girls whispering about me, but I didn’t have the mental capacity to worry about that. The <b> <em>dysphoria. </em> </b> Oh my <em> god </em> <b> <em>, </em> </b> the <b> <em>dysphoria</em> </b>. I could feel my skin crawling and nothing I did could make it go away. I couldn’t sit comfortably and just cry about it because the dysphoria bell in my mind kept ringing and it wouldn’t stop.</p><p> </p><p>I don’t know how long my breakdown went on for. I eventually stopped crying, but I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to go back to the room with all those people staring at me while I was still dysphoric. My head hurt from crying so much and I just wanted to go home. I didn’t have anything to pass the time. My phone was in my bag in the dressing room and I wasn’t about to just grab it and walk back to the bathroom. </p><p> </p><p>I sat in the stall with my face buried in my knees for the remainder of the game. I heard the whistle blow and the crowds cheer, but I still didn’t want to leave. I don’t know when I was planning on finally leaving. Eventually, I heard a voice call for me.</p><p> </p><p>“Yaku? The game is over. We’re getting ready to line up.” It was Kuroo.</p><p> </p><p>Part of me still didn’t want to move. I lowered my head farther into my knees and sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yaku?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He’s not gonna come in here and get me. I’ll leave when I feel like it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, have you seen a guy? He’s short, has light brown hair, and was wearing a red track jacket.”</p><p> </p><p>I narrowed my eyes and brought my head up. <em> Short, huh? You wanna play that game? </em></p><p> </p><p>I finally left the stall and walked out of the bathroom. Kuroo looked exhausted from the game and had his water bottle with him. He looked at me and we started walking back.</p><p> </p><p>I waited until we were a little ways down the hall before I slapped him in the back of the head, “That’s for calling me short.”</p><p> </p><p>He rubbed the back of his head, “What were you doing in the girls bathroom?”</p><p> </p><p>I lowered my neck, “Boys don’t cry…” I murmured.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Boys don’t cry,” I said louder.</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo slapped me in the back of the head, “That’s for being stupid. We do fucking cry. Whoever said that we don’t is spewing bullshit.”</p><p> </p><p>I rubbed the back of my head and kept walking.</p><p> </p><p>“Coach said he was going to treat us to ramen. Nobuyuki is also worried about you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, he’ll see I’m fine in a minute.”</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo took a sip of his water.</p><p> </p><p>“Did we win?” I asked. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, 2-0. 25-22.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s good.”</p><p> </p><p>Silence fell between us for a bit. </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, Kuroo took a sigh, “Look, I know we’ve had our disagreements and you probably don’t like me, but what happened to you wasn’t okay. You should’ve been there on the court.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. It couldn’t have been helped. I’ll just have to get my name changed soon.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I thought about that while playing. If your dead name was gender neutral they wouldn’t have batted an eye.”</p><p> </p><p>“You really stood up to the ref back there. You didn’t have to do that for me, thank you,” I said.</p><p> </p><p>He rubbed the back of his neck, “Well, we’re part of the same community. It would be hypocritical of me if I didn’t stand for you.”</p><p> </p><p>I looked at him and tilted my head in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>He looked down, “I have to stand for every letter in LGBT+. Not just the B.”</p><p> </p><p>I was taken aback. Even he acknowledged our disagreements and despite that, he felt comfortable enough to come out to me. That’s not something you tell just anyone.</p><p> </p><p>“So you’re bi?” I asked.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded his head, “I don’t… really talk about this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is this a new thing for you?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I’ve known for a while.”</p><p> </p><p>“Have you told your parents yet?”</p><p> </p><p>“God, no! The only people I’ve told are you and my friend, Kenma.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you’re gonna have to have that conversation one day.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t remind me…”</p><p> </p><p>I chuckled and opened the door to the gym, “Well, tell me when you do. That’s a story I need to hear.”</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo groaned and we walked back into the gym. </p><p> </p><p>Nobuyuki asked if I was okay and told me that he thought he made me cry and felt bad about it. I told him he didn’t do anything wrong and that I appreciated his concern.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Thank you for the game!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>We went over to the dressing room and changed into our tracksuits. We were the last game of the day, so everyone was leaving and the sun was going down. As we were going down the front steps to board the bus, I saw the referee walking down the steps.</p><p> </p><p>I clenched my fist and ran down the steps ahead of the team.</p><p> </p><p>“Yaku?” Kuroo asked.</p><p> </p><p>“You!” I called out once I was a few steps behind the referee. </p><p> </p><p>He turned around and looked at me, not saying a thing.</p><p> </p><p>I heard the footsteps of the rest of my team coming up behind me.</p><p> </p><p>I clenched my bag and my hands started shaking, but I raised my chin and pushed my chest out.</p><p> </p><p>“My name is Yaku Morisuke. And one day, I’m going to be on Japan’s national volleyball team, competing in the men’s division. Everyone in the nation will know my name, and when I get there, I’m going to tell the story about how you denied me of my high school debut. Until then, my team will continue to prevail the preliminaries and then dominate the board at nationals, with or without me. Because we are Nekoma high school, and we came here to win.”</p><p> </p><p>The referee looked at me for a moment before turning his head and walking to the parking lot without a word.</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked at him and he watched as the ref walked away. His eyes were narrow and he watched him like a panther stalking its prey.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll make you play next time. And if not, then at nationals. You will play with us this year,” he promised without taking his eyes off of the referee. </p><p> </p><p>I looked back at the referee, “Yeah.”</p>
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